My need

On that April first morning, in the dawn of Spring 2016 I realized my need probably more

than ever before. All I could do was pound down on my knees with my Bible. There was

no where else to move and nothing I could say but cry out to Jesus. Jeremiah 29:13

says “You will seek me and find me when you seek Me with all your heart.” After seeing

the man I married with a bag over his shoulder and headed out of our townhouse for

good, I needed to find Jesus promptly!

The first time I realized my need for someone to help me in a desperate situation was

when I was in pre-kindergarten where I realized on evening at a school event my mom

was sick and not like other mommies. I became so scared and ran to my daddy in the

rain after I saw her. It was so painful. About 2 years later at a chapel service in the first

grade, I heard hope, I heard hope to help me with this pain, to help me recognize I was

a sinner for the first time as much as a 6 year old could and in need of a Savior. I heard the

gospel and wanted this Jesus in my heart. I will never forget I was overcome by the

Holy Spirit after I prayed, cried and asked Jesus into my heart. I did not feel the same

and had this new found hope. He carried me in his love for many years as I enjoyed

and lived out this childlike faith after I invited Him to feel that need for Him for the first

time.

After being carried for years by His unfailing love and grace, it was in my early adult life

where the Holy Spirit prompted me more and more of my need for Him. It was in my

junior year of high school that the brokenness I heard of in stories or on T.V. came to

life in the world around me. I so badly wanted to fix it. I tried to take things in my own

hands only to realize once again how truly broken I was and in need of a Savior.

The Lord rescued me again from the lies I was beginning to believe and the sin that

began to easily ensnare me of which I was oblivious too. Hebrews 12:1-2 states,

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay

aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with

endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher

of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the

shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Christ was faithful to

show me His way of freedom so I wouldn’t be defeated by habitual sin, so I could

continue to run this race of life with Him in victory.

I had to then learn how to live out freedom in Christ relationaly which is what the Lord

revealed to me on that April morning in 2016. After being married several years and

things not turning out the way I hoped or thought, I realized there must have been some

areas of my life that I lacked trust, faith and needed deeper healing. Was I serious

enough about my need for Christ? I was more desperate than ever before and cried out

to the Lord on my bed weeping through the Psalms. There was no person, no pastor,

no ministry I could talk to that could soothe my pain. I needed Christ and Christ alone.

Being a professed Christian most of my life I didn’t know how to pray the scripture and

didn’t know the power of the Word of God like He was showing me in this season. I truly

wanted to know that ‘all the promises of God in Him are yes and amen’ like the bible

says in 2 Corinthians 1:20. I wanted to desperately know His will for my life and

marriage. That He the Creator was who He said He was about marriage as well in Mark

10:9 that, “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man separate.”

As I cried out to God in the next days, weeks and months. I learned more about who He

was, His plan, and His will for me and my marriage. He showed me I had unresolved

sin issues in my heart in my life. So during that time I was led to confess many sins to

myself, my husband and to others that were brought to mind that I may have hurt. It

was so painful but so freeing at the same time. My relationship with the Lord and others

has not been the same since. And my need for Christ has never stopped through

marriage restoration and motherhood. I still cry out to Him regularly and He continues to

carry me.